Chronically Late People Excuses: Why I'll Never Actually "See Ya In 10"

Remember when you made plans to meet friends at a certain time and a place and you had to stick to those plans because no one had a way to communicate otherwise directly and instantaneously? This missed connection would have made a great sitcom or rom-com plot on the other side of the Y2K (remember Pheobe's birthday dinner?), but is virtually a non-issue considering that a quick “hey, running late!” text nips that in the bud.
Maybe it’s that ability to switch and update plans on the fly that makes it so damn easy to mess them up. I have on more occasions than a few replaced punctuality with a regretful text message fired off in advance about how I’m stuck in traffic or train delays or on the way (when I actually just got out of the shower). The memes exist for a reason, people. As for the reasons I’m never actually “there in 10,” I swear they exist and are even occasionally valid! For example...
A disastrous moisturizer/makeup combo
This sounds bizarre but trust that if you pair a moisturizer and foundation or tinted moisturizer that do not get along (most likely due to silicones or oils in one or the other) it will turn into eraser dust on your face. Blending is probably your first instinct. WRONG. That only turns what was supposed to be a sheer-coverage dewy complexion into a pilly mess like you rush-jobbed removing a peel-off mask. No bueno. This will undoubtedly involve starting all over, full face-wipe, back to one. No one said no-makeup makeup was simple.
I just saw the back of my hair and Oh My God.
Bedhead is a trend I hope never goes away because it makes getting ready that much easier. You’ve seen that meme that’s like Wakes up, brushes eyebrows, doesn’t brush hair, right? Well there is a learning curve to bedhead, it turns out. There’s sexy voluminous texture that’s just the right amount of un-done, and then there’s stuck your head in some sort of tornado machine that has all at once made your hair super flat but also like a burnt tumbleweed. Coaxing that into something resembling a hairstyle is going to take a whole lot of tools, cursing, and possibly water, which is pretty much the end of it all.
I’ve just received information about our plans right now that change the WHOLE deal.
Okay, this is not my fault. In fact, this is kind of your fault. Don’t invite me to a casual after-work hang when in FACT you are casually having me meet a someone or someones having to with a potentially very important professional (or romantic) connection. If I am to impress these potential VIPs, this will require extra consideration to my lewk that involves more than slapping on mascara, lipstick and making sure my forehead doesn’t resemble a fast-food grill. This will require at least…five products more (eight, if hair also needs a zhuzhing). And fragrance.
I have cried.
Being very in touch with my emotions and intuitions makes me a top-notch friend to have. I’m thoughtful as heck and always sensitive to the feelings of others (ah, to be a Cancer). This also means that my kryptonite comes in many unpredictable forms: that Apple commercial with the girl who makes her grandma a mix CD of when she was a jazz singer in the past, some weirdo did/said something inappropriate to me and I felt weird about it, I accidentally stepped on a dog’s paw and it cried out in pain, or Fiona Apple came on Spotify randomly as I was walking on a rainy day…sometimes my feelings spill out of my eyes (and nose) when they get crowded, and well, there goes my eyeliner. Also now my eyes are puffy and my nose red and there’s just nothing to be done for that but time. How much time? That depends—just how many puppies came tumbling out of the back seat of that Fiat?
This chip in my manicure is suddenly intolerable.
Few things drive me nuts like one teeny flaw in a manicure that chipped too soon. I will pick and pick at that chip until my whole nail is stripped of varnish like some sort of nervous habit (oh wait, that’s exactly what it is). But if caught early enough, sometimes a manicure can be saved with a little spot-polishing. Which naturally is best done right before I need to leave to be somewhere.
Ten minutes before I leave is suddenly when I decide that I need a cat-eye/mascara/contouring, etc.
Ahh, that last-minute makeup inspiration that inevitably strikes right when I’m supposed to be putting on my shoes and coat to leave. That’s the moment when the final touch involves adding a makeup step that involves just enough time to make me unnecessarily late. But I’ll look great and depending on who I’m meeting, that’s one of those “totally worth it” things, right? (ehhhh.)
It turns out that I am just your very well-groomed but kind of rude friend.

Guys, it's entirely one thing to be late because there were actually train or traffic delays (which there are. Often! It's NYC!) but on account of my vanity delaying what will no doubt be an epic time had by all...for that I apologize! It's still pretty rude even though flakiness has become the norm of the future that doesn't mean I should succumb to keeping the cycle of rudeness going (especially when dinner is involved, because keeping people hungry is just atrocious). That said, I'm more than understanding/forgiving when I'm kept waiting an extra 10 to15 only to be greeted by my own very frazzled but beautiful friends. I mean, if you're going to be rude at least look your best, no?